standing on the edge

I’m standing on the edge. I can feel my weakness take over, the ground crumbling beneath me. My chest tightens to constrict my breathing . My thoughts spin twisting the truth till it’s no longer in sight. The sky is dark  the wind spinning around takes what stability was left. My heart tells me to jump. My soul keeps me grounded. Something deep within  holds me back against my will, the ground to unstable to turn back. I feel my knees shake giving way… my heart knows the fall would be amazing, my soul knows the pain of hitting the ground. No life line in sight no ray of light on the horizon. I feel butterfly’s inside fighting their way out, longing for that sweet release of freedom. Looking back I no longer see the path that lead me hear, to the edge.

To be continued…

Con

I once read that when a mother looks at pictures of her children cretin mood booster hormones are released that put you in a better mood. After reading this I have made a point of looking through some of Con’s baby pictures every now and then. Each time I find my self smiling, laughing out loud, and always there is an “awwww” said aloud. Tonight I though I would share some of them with you.

A letter to my Grandma Start

Dear Grandma,

I just wanted to write you a little something to let you know how much you have meant to me. I think the thing that has always stood out to me most is your strong faith in God. I remember from a young age feeling drawn to you in a special way, I think I could see God shining through you. I loved to sit at the table with you in your home and just listen to you talk about God, you made Him seem so real to me even at a very young age.

I have always felt blessed by your prayers, I know you and Grandpa pray for all of us kids often. I can’t imagine what my life may have been without those prayers. You are both a blessing from God. When I was in Africa I would sometimes think about you and remember that your prayers where with me and it would give me strength just thinking about that. Your prayers have made me a strong believer in God and because of that mine will go on to strengthen Conrad as he grows older.

You have passed your faith and strength in God on to your children and grandchildren.  With God’s help, I will do my best to pass it on to mine too. You have built a wonderful legacy and I hope you can see the fruits of your labor in some of us.

I also have good memories of spending time with you when I was very young. Weather you were watching me alone for an afternoon or with all the other cousins, you always managed to make me feel very special and loved. Playing with me and my dolls and a little stuffed pig that I still have from you, bringing my blanket to me late one night after it had been left behind and I couldn’t sleep without it, and as I became a little older, learning some of your wonderful recipes that have made me what Dan calls “the best cook ever”. I would also like to think that I have your decorating sense, always classic and clean looking.

As time passes and we both have grown older, I hope that my prayers will help to strengthen you. I hope that I have grown not only in years but also in the wisdom you have passed on to me. I hope you can find comfort in the fact that your life has meant so much to me, that because of you, my faith in God is right where it should be and very strong.

I have been blessed with you as my grandma and I just wanted to let you know that. I love you very much and hold you close to my heart.

With love and thankfulness for all that you have been to me, Faith

Grandma with Conrad

Tagged

Ok I have not poster in a LONG time just because I haven’t felt like it, sorry I don’t have a better reason. I thought this would be something fun to get me back on my blog, so here we go…

My friend Sarah tagged me and I thought it was fun and interesting to learn some random/weird facts about her so now it’s my turn and I hope you enjoy mine.

1. I lived in Maun Botswana (Africa) for almost 2 years, something most of you already know but still what I consider to be one of the most interesting things about me. And better yet I moved there when I was only 17.

2. I have 60+ panties. Having worked at Victoria’s Secret this happens. (Sorry to any of my brothers who may be reading and didn’t want to know THAT.)

3. I went bungee jumping at Victoria Falls (111 meters, the second highest in the world, I wanted to do the highest in SA but never got the chance. Maybe one day.) Not once but TWICE!!

4. I didn’t ACTUALLY jump on my bungee jump, I more or less FELL. I didn’t have the nerve to JUMP and the guys were not aloud to push me so I just kind of crumpled my legs under me and fell off the ledge. I thought I would have the nerve for the second time a month later but it went down the same way. I don’t know if I will ever go again (not likely because of my over protective/ over conservative husband) but if I do I hope to have the nerve to JUMP!

5. I will be voting for the first time ever this November. I didn’t want to vote for the last one and I really don’t WANT to this time either, but I will anyways. Someone still has yet to convince me that my vote actually counts.

6. I hate bats ever since I was little and I hate birds too. You never know what they are thinking and they have the potential to fly into you at any moment. I would rather be met with snakes and lions any day!! Oh wait I have met those too! When I see a bat I literally freeze up. and want to pee my pants.

7. This is the most random and bazaar thing about me (or maybe about anyone!). Ever since I was really little I have had a thing for Scotch Tape!! I don’t know how it started and I doubt if it will ever stop, but I love to play with it in my fingers. It has some sort of calming ability and if I am getting the munchies I pull out a piece of tape and it keeps my mind off of food. And it’s not just any kind of tape, it must be Scotch Tape and I like my peace to be a cretin size, not to short not to long.

Other than these, I think I can say that I am somewhat normal. Now here are my Tags!

Joy, Brandy, Alece, Angie, Deronn, Sarah, Kendra.

grit and glory

Sorry I have not been posting for a while, I will get back on that soon.

For today though please check out:

www.gritandglory.com

She has a great post for BLOG Action Day about Poverty. It’s something that I noticed while in Africa and has always stayed with me and haunted me. I hope it stirs you, maybe say some prayers for children in Africa and all around the world, thank you for taking the time to check it out. It is worth your time.

How Deep The Fathers Love For Us

We sing this song at our new church almost every week but each time the words choke me up and bring tears to my eyes. I hope this touches you today.

Poll

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT BLACK LEGGINGS WITH A SWEATER DRESS?

YES OR NO?

I’m there

You know when your at that point in the relationship, when all the butterfly’s are gone, the excitement has been traded for the mundane, and date night has long given way to Saturday morning breakfast’s with the family.

Ya, I’m there.

There is something so exciting about the beginning of a relationship. All the butterfly’s, the long, meaningful talks about your dreams and desires, looking deep into eyes, into souls, feeling a connection being made. I remember the first time Dan held my hand, the feeling that ran from my finger tips all the way down to my toes, our first kiss, I wanted to savor forever.

All those things and more are the foundation to our relationship. So what happens when the butterfly’s fly away, meaningful conversations are replaced with quick phone calls throughout the day, and the only feeling that comes with holding hands is that of irritating sweat? Well if you are lucky enough or blessed enough (whatever way you want to see it), the mundane day to day is what strengthens the relationship.

Though butterfly’s and excitement have long died down, there is a much deeper and more meaningful connection. When I look into his eyes there is great strength and comfort in knowing that we have a past and a future. That he is here for good despite the sweaty hands, oh wait I’m the one who gets irritated by that, knowing that he knows ALL my flaws and shortcomings and is still here every morning, every day and every night. And those quick phone calls throughout the day are what makes my day and what builds our marriage stronger.

I would trade those fresh butterfly’s for the comfort and strength of being in Dans arms any day!

So ya, I’m there and I’m loving it..

Resolutions

So as I mentioned before, it’s Fall already and my how the year has flown. Before we know it, we will be taking down our Christmas trees and welcoming in the new year. Along with it we will be making and most likely break New Years resolutions.

When I was younger I never liked to make resolutions, I always figured if there was something I wanted to do bad enough I should be able to do it with out waiting for January 1st to come. I may have made some resolutions over the years but I hate breaking promises, even ones made to myself.

So when this January came, I decided not to make any. Instead I started the year off by sitting on the couch watching Oprah, her big hype was all about making this YOUR year. Every morning had a different theme like, “get in shape”, “saving money”, “get your home organized”, First I was skeptical, knowing all to well how most resolutions turn out. The thing is the more I watched, the more I wanted to GET IN SHAPE and keep my HOME CLEAN.

When Spring came I still had not done anything, time was passing and I was still the same person I had been the year before: unhappy with my weight and living in a messy house. In the back of my mind I wanted this to be MY year, the year I could change and become more of the person I wanted to be even if it was only the physical aspect of myself.

I joined Weight Watchers against my better judgment, knowing what a quitter I have been in the past, I think even Dan was a little skeptical though he would never say it. To my surprise I lost weight, I have worked hard and stuck to the program, I am proud to say I have not “cheated” once or cut corners. I am now the smallest I have been since I was in my teens, with almost as much energy. I have kept my house in a semi clean state for most of the year, with a little consistency and a LOT of Clorox wipes. I just made the decision, this was going to be my year, and it has been. With hard work and determination it can still be your year, there is still time left. Don’t wait for New Years, get a head start and make it happen.

2007                                           2008

Whats your resolution? Maybe we can help.

A perfect day

Summer was great, though it seemed to fly by for both me and Dan, it still feels like we just came out of a long cold Winter. THIS is my favorite time of year, Fall. The leaves are starting to turn, some of them have even begun to fall. By mid October they will be flowing freely from the trees, the wind rustling them wildly through the streets. This time of year brings so much to look forward to, fall festivities, Thanksgiving, and even through the beginning of Winter we have, Christmas.

This past Saturday was the perfect start to Fall. The sun was shining, the air just right. We took Conrad to one of our favorite little downtown spots. We grabbed Starbucks and then walked to a big open park. Dan and Conrad threw a ball around while I watched with camera in hand. Dan was busy instructing Conrad on football moves, showing him how to hold the ball and run with it, proper kicking and thanks to earlier baseball “training” he already had his throwing down. Next they pulled out the soccer ball and practiced kicking. I watched as Dan and Conrad walked up a small hill and then ran back down hand in hand, something that just a few months ago Con had been too afraid to do. They ran up and down over and over, Conrad’s now long, sun bleached hair flapping as his body bounced awkwardly down the hill, his little feet picking up speed with each step. The smile on his face was so bright it could have light the world and though a little more worn out, Dan’s was just as bright. When Dan was throughly tired out I took my turn with Con. When we decided it was time to start walking back, Con was still not ready to leave his new “toy”. I think Dan was amazed to see the amount of energy that Conrad had, I however have long been accustom to wearing myself out well before Conrad.

Walking back to the car, Conrad now settled cofortably in his stroller, his shoulders relaxed, hair damp with sweat, Dan and I now hand in hand I realized it had been one of those perfect days. Like the Saturdays we had enjoyed all Summer long, the three of us spending the whole day together, growing closer as a family. Day’s that will carry on into the Fall and even Winter. Day’s filled with so much joy and happiness that when your head hits the pillow, you fall asleep almost instantly, smile still pasted on your face. It would seem not even the depths of sleep can wipe it off nor take away that deep satisfaction of a day well lived.